I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
is it fun? or sober?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
