1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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