I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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