just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
