My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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