This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
