i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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