I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
