Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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