Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
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Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
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If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment