it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
