My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
