A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Even the bartender felt bad for me
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
