I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
