shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
