I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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