well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If I die, sorry about rent.
I would ride that face into the sunset
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
