she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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