you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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