Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
