So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
