Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
