It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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