My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
