Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
