i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Randomize
