he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
