The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
There's always time for handjobs
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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