my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
