I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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