I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
