my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
