i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
