Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
