She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
