Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
