What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
