I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
