I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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