apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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