like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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