My underwear smells like fireworks.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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