everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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