Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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