I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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