i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
