yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
