i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
