He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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