dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
