I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My hand turned me down
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
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