you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
