I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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