Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
