Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
