she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
